I have always been a sensitive soul with a bleeding heart for others. Throughout my life people have sought to hurt me without provocation. Sometimes it was a kid at school that I didn’t particularly care for anyway — either they were a bully or simply put, a jerk. Still, the mean things said, the dirty looks passed, or just their plain old avoidance of me, upset me. I just never understood it. I have a hard time snubbing someone or being mean, even when called for, let alone to someone like me, a bubbly goody-two shoes. (Granted, that quality alone might annoy some people, but I don’t think it calls for any kind of rude behavior!)
Looking back now, I was probably seen as a dork, which I know I am and don’t care. I’m proud of all my personality traits — no matter who sees them as uncool. I’m awesome and I’m comfortable with saying that.
Still, growing up, I let these kids’ opinions affect me. I wanted to win them over, regardless if I even liked them or not. This was my need for love and acceptance that I was not getting elsewhere.
Now, as an adult, I have faced bullying and mean-spirited people trying to tear me down once more. My initial reaction has been the same; it hurt and I couldn’t understand where it was coming from.
What killed me even more was the fact that it was not coming from punk kids who were mere acquaintances to me, but rather family members. My father and my uncle should be the closest men to me while growing up, but instead have been quite damaging to me throughout my life. They say things when angry that purposely attack someone they’re supposed to love.
I suppose this is reflected in my novels. In the “Dream Catchers” series, Jordan’s father was very much a representation of my father and uncle — with a bad temper and fabricating lies out of spite. Meanwhile in “The Watch Dog“, Rett’s abusive childhood is a culmination from what me and my siblings have all experienced along with behaviors that can develop due to abuse. We all suffer from how we grew up on different levels. My father and his brother also come from an abused home and obviously have not learned much from it. In my most recent novel, “Indigo Waters“, Cappie’s relatonship with his son Fin is quite damaged as well. His father has him pegged as reckless and a screw-up.
I have given my father and uncle many chances throughout my 32 years, but I realized I was stuck in the same cycle. I would forgive and accept them back into my life, only for them to lash out at me again not long after. I’m done with that now. While I don’t wish harm on them, I don’t need their poison in my life.
Recently, my uncle — whom I was very close with growing up, but who has betrayed me many times, lashed out at me on social media. I have kept my distance from him for several years after he spread rumors about me and my siblings throughout the family. Still, we were in occasional communication; a friendly Merry Christmas text or Happy Birthday here and there.
Imagine my surprise when I received a very long message from him out of the blue gratuitously bashing me about getting off my pedestal. I won’t rehash the message here, but basically he was saying I was nothing special and he belittled my career in a very harsh way.
My brother, who has been the only man in my life to stand by me, couldn’t understand why I would let it get to me as I teared up over it. I explained it still hurts no matter who it’s coming from. I know this relative is mentally unstable and was having a burst of anger about what he has done to our relationship, but still, I didn’t warrant his backlash about my career — something that is none of his business.
I do know that the pain and tears I felt are stemmed from childhood. I still want to be loved and accepted by everyone. Funny enough, it was these men who made me feel insecure about all of that, and here one of them is, still trying to keep that insecurity running through me.
It made me realize that I need to work on feeling more confident in who I am and what I’ve done; I am proud of all I accomplished and who I am. I never tried to say I was better than anyone like this ass is claiming. I needed to remind myself of these things, so thank you very much for that, crazy uncle.
Just like those kids’ thoughts of me no longer bother me because they didn’t even know who I was, I am learning to think of certain family members in this light as well. My entire life they thought I was cruel, heartless and many other things that were actually their own traits they tried to project on me. They never bothered to get to know who the hell I actually was, which I am happy to say is nothing like them. Thank God!
I am going to keep working on reversing the negativity that was laid on me throughout my life and fight back with my “Half Full Attitude” (positivity).
I write these blog posts to help remind myself and also at the hope this may help anyone out there reading. It doesn’t matter what others think of you as long as you think highly of yourself. It’s a lesson we all need to learn.
Sending love, kisses & hugs!
…And also sending a punch in the mouth to those who seek out causing others pain…