One thing I definitely learned during my travels is that I can talk myself in and out of things quite easily. I blame it on my astrological signs–I’m on the cusp of Capricorn and Aquarius, which basically means half of me feels one way while the other half feels another. I am really both signs — I can’t say I’m one more than the other. With that said, I don’t live my life according to my horoscope. I live my life according to excited feelings and ideas that I get, which to some practical, logical, type-A people is insane, irresponsible, and unsettling.
For me, those feelings/ideas and fly by the seat of my pants/nothing is impossible attitude has led me to many of my dreams coming true. A few weeks back, I spoke to Danielle, my oldest best friend in the world, and she, along with many of my friends and family, like my sisters, have commended me on my approach to life.
While I was feeling a bit down on myself for my non-traditional route the past couple of months, it was nice to hear. Now that I’ve gained a little more perspective after being out of a holiday funk of wishing I was in love and with my own little ones running around as well as financially secure, I know myself well enough to know that I would not be satisfied then either.
And I’m sure no one is ever fully satisfied. My sister Suzie said to me recently, “Happiness is not a destination.” It certainly isn’t. In her words, it “ebbs and flows”. This is true, and I’ve been fortunate enough to be a truly upbeat, positive person. That’s why when I fall into a down cycle, it feels like I need to change my world around; I feel like something is not right and I need to change it ASAP because I’m known as the happy-go-lucky woman with childlike energy.
While going back to Starbucks has helped the sinking, irresponsible feeling that settled in the pit of my stomach. The free spirit in me misses not having a destination to go to where I have to serve people dairy, refined sugar and meat–all things I am against consuming. But while happiness is not a destination, the feeling is in my heart most of the time, and that’s what counts.
I know that everything is temporary. My time in New York will end in June. I won’t have to deal with slippery, snowy walks to a bus stop to work inside a mall forever. While I am working there, though, I appreciate the positives — I have a steady paycheck again, I get to work with old friends, and if I need to shop or get a pedicure, I’m conveniently located. The biggest plus? I get to spend quality time with my family and friends, especially my niece and nephew.
While Starbucks is a comfy cushion for me, I don’t want it to be a crutch. I don’t want it to hold me back. I want to continue to scout out opportunities in my field. I want to continue writing my novels and promoting them.
And yes, I’d like to fall in love and one day have a child, but that doesn’t mean a dream should be forgotten. I hope the day I find my Mr. Right that he understands who I am and respects it, not tries to mold me into what he wants me to be. I want us to travel and have our time apart as well as together. I want our child to learn about taking chances and loving life. I want that child to know it is loved and that he or she has two parents who respect each other and know that love isn’t smothering, and that anything is possible. I want that child to have the confidence and security I was never given growing up.
I’m sure you moms reading think this is a lofty notion. Maybe I’m kidding myself to think I can have it all, but regardless, I know I have a lot of love to give to a man and a child, and that doesn’t mean I should sacrifice who I am to prove that. I’ll just send that out into the universe and see what comes back.